Figure Out What You Want (you are probably settling before you even get in the room)
Figure Out What You Want
Because you are probably negotiating against yourself before you even get in the room.
Most negotiation classes, books and workshops focus primarily on what to do once you are already inside the conversation. And there are awesome, valuable techniques about what you say, how to respond, active listening and mirroring, body language, making the ask, anticipating objections, etc.
And, my experience is that most of these work a lot better if you invest some time and focus into prepping yourself before you walk in. Proper prep impacts how grounded you are, how clearly you listen, how creative you can be, and whether you are able to recognize an outcome that gets you where you want to go in a form you didn't expect.
I use basically the same framework for negotiating legislation, helping clients think through strategy, talking with clients about what kind of support they need and where I can add the most value, navigating partnership conversations, and talking with my husband about who will pick up dog poop in the back yard.
For all of these, having clarity for yourself is critical to making sure you get the outcome you want!
I recommend doing this with a pen and paper and setting a timer for some amount of undistracted time (even 7 minutes). This does not have to be a big time commitment. I've even done it in my notes app on my phone in the car before walking into a meeting.
What's the situation?
In the most simple terms.
- “We have a bill that does XYZ and I'm meeting with an org that typically opposes this type of policy because… and my sponsor told me I need to get them to neutral.”
- “I'm talking with my boss or client about changing my role, compensation or structure and I think they are going to be resistant because this did not go well the last time.”
- “We're heading into a busy season at work, 5 people have left and that means a lot more will fall on me and I think I will actually die if we don't figure out how to add help.”
What's:
- Changed?
- Creating pressure?
- Not working?
- What opportunity has opened up?
- What conversation needs to happen that has not happened yet?
Identify what you want… then keep going
Start with a wide open brainstorm. Your brain will totally want to start filtering this by what's possible and how something could or could not happen. As much as possible, try not to edit your ideas down before they have had a chance to exist. A good shortcut around the editing is to throw in some truly wild outcomes that are so impossible, you can't even imagine how it could happen. That signals to your brain that this is just imagination.
Next, think about at least 3 desired outcomes. Once you get to three or more possible outcomes, your brain moves past obvious answers and starts id'ing possibilities you might not have considered at first.
The first answer may be that you want a raise.
But when you think through the full contours of the situation, you may realize what you actually want is more flexibility, a different portfolio, greater decision making authority, fewer Fridays, more support, a title change, or a different relationship to the work entirely.
We have trouble allowing ourselves to write it down. Before we've even finished the sentence, we're editing.
- That's too expensive.
- They'd never go for that.
- That's selfish.
- I haven't earned that yet.
- Someone else deserves it more.
By the time we've figured out what we want, we've already negotiated ourselves into something smaller.
If you find yourself there, here are 2 surefire tools to get back into the imagination exercise:
- Give yourself the assignment to come up with 5 ridiculous outcomes that are so impossible they make you laugh.
- Take some of your options and, as we said at my first job at the McDonald's drive through, ask, would you like to SUPERSIZE THAT?
the ask
Double the ask…
Double it again…
…until it's truly silly and delightful.
Pen, paper, 7 minutes on the clock. No editing until the timer goes off.
3 (or more) desired outcomes
5 ridiculous outcomes, so impossible they make you laugh
Now supersize it: double the ask, then double it again
Next up: Part 2 walks a mile in their shoes. Before you make the ask, here's how I figure out what the other side is actually working with.
